Hello. How have you been? It’s been a while. Yeah, I know that’s on me.
Here I am, once again, to tell you that I dropped the ball on my writing. Although one of my New Year’s resolutions was to post twice a month, somehow we’re ⅓ into the new year and this is my first post. Oops.
I was doing so well
I’m not gonna lie, I’m really fucking disappointed in myself. You see, last summer I was doing great writing-wise. I had decided to follow the advice of two of my favourite authors: David Sedaris and Daniel Levy. Writing, they say, is not about waiting for the right moment to arrive, or for a big thing to happen. It’s about making a habit out of writing. Just write about every little thing that happens to you and after a while, it will come naturally. I was happy to discover that they were right!
Soon, I was writing every single day. I LOVED it. I would go sit behind my computer every night after work and every weekend and just write about whatever had crossed my mind during the day. When I wasn’t writing and I was walking around London or having conversations with people, I was thinking about how I could turn those experiences into compelling stories. I noticed that the more I wrote, the more I wanted to write. On top of that I had created a content calendar that, to my own surprise, I was actually sticking to. I was thrilled. I had finally defeated my biggest enemy: my own procrastination. At last, I had become the version of myself I had always wanted to be. Nothing could stop me now.
I relapsed
Then, some changes happened in my life. In August I went on holiday to the Lake District and whilst I was over there, surrounded by all that natural beauty, thousands of sheep, breathtaking scenery and hordes of other tourists and screaming children, I decided that it was time to quit my full-time job. I won’t go into specifics (not now at least, this is a story for another time) but the truth is that I knew after two months that that job wasn’t for me. Because of several reasons, most of them having to do with needing to afford food and rent, I stayed for two years. I realised that I had reached my limit and I had to leave to protect my mental health.
When I quit my job, I did not have a plan B. This means that I spent every waking minute trying to find a new job. For those of you who have never had to apply for jobs…it’s a real bitch. It’s basically a full-time job in itself, so there wasn’t much time or energy left for anything else.
The cycle
I have since started a new job and I absolutely love it. Leaving my previous employer is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Although I’m feeling better than ever and I have a lot more energy, I still haven’t quite figured out how to get back into that flow I was in last summer.
It seems like I get stuck in the same cycle every time. I won’t write for a bit and then tell myself I’m waiting for ‘the right moment’. I’ll do it when I have a full day where I can focus, or when I’m not tired, or when I have nothing else to do. Since such moments don’t exist, nothing happens. Then, I start feeling guilty for not writing: Does this mean I don’t love it enough? If I truly loved writing so much, surely I would be doing it all the time? All of these thoughts kill my motivation even more, and at this point I’ve already told myself that if I start now, it will be shit anyway.
I never really understood where that procrastination came from. Why would you procrastinate on something you actually love doing? I put off cleaning and doing personal admin because I hate it. That makes sense. But I LOVE writing, so why do I always find reasons to not do it?
I have realised that a lot of it has to do with fear. As long as I don’t share anything with the world, nothing can go wrong and nobody can tell me it’s bad. Because what if I actually do put something out there and nobody likes it? It’s funny. I’m the first person to tell someone else that other people’s opinions don’t matter. When you create something, the people who are mean about it are usually the ones who have never put themselves out there because they’re too afraid. As long as you like it, who cares? At least you’ve done it.
As much as I know this is all true, I still find myself in this cycle time and time again. Sometimes I wonder: what would have happened if I would have kept going? If I would have consistently shared content over these past couple of years? Where would I be right now? The thing is, that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because it didn’t happen. I can’t change that. What I can change, however, is the future.
Let’s try again!
Because all is not lost! There’s two thirds of the year left. I can still make my goal or at least get back into that flow I discovered last summer. I know I can do it now and I know it makes me feel really happy, so I can get there again! Sharing this might be the push I need, because Lord knows I can’t post this and then disappear for months. That would be ridiculous. So feel free to hold me to this promise and call me out on it when you catch me slippin’. I can still make my 2022 goal. Only 19 posts to go!
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